My life goes on....

I woke late today, i had to rush 'coz my youngest daughter will be late for school. Much as i wanted to linger with that lazy feeling, well it's a BED WEATHER, after all, i don't have much choice. So, up superwoman, cook breakfast and get her ready for school. Then after an hour, i'm alone again.....

My life goes on....in a limbo. Things are still as difficult as they were before. Friends look at me as tough, super tough but deep inside i still get periods of despair at my situation and fear for the future. I still have that mood that sweeps over me like in a roller coaster ride. Much worst (which no one knows), is the plunges into the blackness of hopelessness.

As far as i am concerned I still wonder about my future and the past is hidden away in my subconscious. Even when i do get flashbacks they are so covered in confusion that they might have been someone else's memories. I am almost totally detached from them. This masks the acute pain of bad memories but it also serves to make me realize that i have lost the good ones as well.
However, when the blackness sets in there is such a feeling of isolation that all of the advice in the world couldn't drag me back into the light. I am sure some of you feel the same way. The feeling is consuming me. It's like a black hole in space, once there, it fills my world and will not allow light to penetrate. Sometimes the emotions often cried out loud in misery at the hopelessness of my life. I have tried to look forward to what the future may hold, all the things that would be left undone if my life ended prematurely. But i have my children and the balance of good versus bad weighs heavily on the bad side. As things stand, there are no strong thoughts of self harm, though admittedly there are flickers but they are way out and soon banished by sleep or other thoughts.