Am i grounded?

I know I had to take her out, spend time with her. I put aside the things we used to do because of this damn roller coaster ride again. I made a self check. Am I grounded? I would assume everyone knows what it means, but for me being grounded means something a little different to everyones perceptions and sensitivities. For me it means fully present, physically, emotionally and energetically. Apparently, for a time being I wasn’t. My mind and spirit wandering, God knows where.

So, we went to the mall (just the two of us).I saw the delight in her face as we stroll; the childish things we do at the mall, messing up the well arranged garments(I love doing this....LOL), I know it’s mean, but we love doing it, shoe shopping and we had pizza at our favorite place, pizza hut.

It wasn’t intentional that we touched the topic about the reason behind the separation. It was spontaneous, didn’t mean to spoil the moment. Then as I gazed at her lovely face, I can see that she has coped well. She has managed well, though I can still see the scars it brought her life but she can talk about it.

Reminiscing the past..(well cant help it).. Breaking up…I had this thought way back when my oldest kid was about 4yrs old but I couldn’t afford to see my 2 kids growing up without their father even though I am financially secured and independent. And I dragged myself and the children in a relationship for almost 2decades pretending to be one happy family. The break up was just one of the painful experiences I have had. It’s not only the death of my marriage but death of dreams and hopes. It destroyed almost 2 decades of invested love and caring. My experience was more painful than the loss of love through physical death which at least has finality to it and may often have been unpreventable. It has a wider devastating effect on the children. It was not a mutual break up though, but I felt not a bit of guilt feelings and little did I know that anger consumed the hearts of my children.

I suffered in silence for the sake of keeping the family intact. I didn’t even know where to begin. I had to rethink absolutely everything in my life, home, finances, my identity, my friends, relatives, my relationship with my children and my relationship with God. I had to start all over.

I thought I was prepared but when the twist came, the initial shock brought me into denial, burying my feelings of hurt, anger and grief. The pain was so great that I want to run from it. Took a while to face the reality of failed marriage and to be truly honest with how I feel about it. It took time to face the pain, to begin again in single life and come to understand what went wrong. With all losses, emotional and financial, there are many emotions, hurts depressions, anger and grief all of which need to be understood and faced and resolved.

In all these, I am so thankful I have friends whom I can share thoughts and feeling with, who were always there to listen, a vital part of the healing process I’m going through. Who never tire of listening to my stupidity and stubbornness, which comforted me while I weep and sob out of my grief.

I believe my failure is God’s wake up call to show that I need some major changes in my life. God showed me the truth of what I have contributed to the break up and why I was attracted to the person in the first place and what I can do in the future so as not to repeat the same mistakes.