"It will be ok...."

Exhausted after hours of cleaning and trying to figure out how my belongings would fit inside the very small room of my small house, my daughter called asking me if I could make it to the school meeting. I then realized how time flies, in about 2 months from now she will be graduating and will be in secondary level. I couldn’t help but feel the pressure (again for the nth time) of facing a much bigger financial responsibility.

I must admit that I have stopped going public, but since my daughter will be graduating, I am obliged to attend the meeting. I saw old friends and as expected, the usual question…”HOW ARE YOU”, HOW HAVE YOU BEEN”, “WHATS KEEPING YOU BUSY” BLAH! BLAH! And all I could say is…”I’m ok”.

But…how am I, really?
I feel empty, betrayed and unhappy. I want to laugh, but I know it’s not going to help. And neither do I want to cry because it will just make me feel worse. I feel like my heart is falling apart, but not only that, because I know soon my life is going to feel like its falling apart too.
And close friends, even my kids, wonder why if he have hurt me so much, then how I managed to stick it out with him for a long time? Was there love at all? That’s the confusing part. I don’t know why, and the people who hurt me the most is normally the one I love the most.
And then, after a few days, I finally feel a sense of relief, like I’m getting happier again, but I know inside that I’m just going into denial. And after a few more weeks, I’m back to where I was, an empty soul and teary eyes. I thought I got over it, but really, I just stopped showing it. And I can’t help but to show it again.
I’m sure someone out there can relate but no matter what one says every broken heart is different. I am not just referring to a hurt from a marital disaster but a much bigger picture. One does not know the true pain I feel, so basically I am alone with all this. And there are times that the feeling is so overwhelming and it suddenly breaks me down because I know I have had enough and tears just instantly start flowing to a point where I don’t care who may see. Because I’ve spent so many nights lying awake in bed and so many days being haunted by the scars and fear of rejection. And in the midst of all these tears, I know that it’s not helping any and it’s not going to bring them back, if I ever had them in the first place.
After about a million tears have been cried, I finally collect myself back together and keep going. My throat starts to tighten and my eyes burn with the tears I am trying to hold back. Everyone says, “It will be ok...” but I know it won’t. And that’s the truth, it won’t. And I look back on all of the hurt I had from this and realize that people are horrible. I’ am still hurt but I’ve learned to hide it so that everyone thinks I am okay. So now every time I see these people, I still care and feel a slight tingle in my heart yearning for them to love me, screaming out, but for some reasons they don’t hear it. Then I sit back and wonder how all these mess came into being.