Falling In Love Like Magic!

Are you in love, or falling in love? Do you feel butterflies in your stomach each time he passes by? Ever experienced receiving flowers and chocolates from him? Ever been out for a date with him by the beach? Good for you. But if you are having a heartbreak..? Come on! Stop wallowing! Forget the pain and reminisce the happier days. Put behind every appalling reminiscence. The world won't stop just because you're grieving. Think of happy thoughts instead. Find time for yourself and your self only. Go out shopping, have a make-over, treat yourself in a spa, or better yet watch David Pomeranz' concert.


Yes. Your valentine’s day will never be the same with David Pomeranz himself singing his timeless love songs - "Born For You", "Old Songs" and "Got to Believe In Magic" were just some. Whenever I hear his “Old Songs” played in my playlist, I am tempted to say yes to the one who sent me the file sometime ago (well, obviously to lure me and you bet, he can sing very well too). So whether you are deeply in love with your partner or feeling inconsolable, indulge yourself with a heartwarming night at the Lagao Gymnasium, General Santos City.



This 14th of February, and with the help of the City Government of GenSan, Dreamwork Ventures and High Frequency Productions, the show was presented as "A Valentine's Affair with David Pomeranz - A Special Kalilangan Festival Presentation".

Ticket prices are at P1,500 (courtside), P1,000 (lower box) and P350 (upper box). I think it's easy on everyone's pocket thinking that he is David Pomeranz.


In line with this event, Bariles is having a blog contest. So why not join? Visit Bariles' blog contest - click here - and ensure that you follow the mechanics. Of course, a contest won't be a contest if there'd be no prizes. 5 winners will win VIP Pass worth P1,500 and a Gift Certificate worth P1,000 at Grab-a-Crab Restaurant and Coffee Club 101.


Linger on and enjoy the moment. I know there’s one blogger here that would scream like hell should I get to kiss David Pomeranz. LOL. Ebang Bloghuntress, not just sweat it out to make it there but swallow her “BATO” or she don’t get to see who’s dating me.


** here's a vid of my favorite song of David Pomeranz -- Old Songs.

Who am I....

I am a woman, creative, sensitive and most of all, deeper than I may appear on the surface. I do have quite a temper. I don’t want praise and neither do I want pity. I just want to have a little pride. I am extremely determined and work tirelessly to get what I want. I have huge appetite for life and retain a childlike pleasure in things I see and experience. Thus, makes me believe I was destined for adventure and misadventure. Fair minded, a good listener and survivor but can be extremely stubborn. I am a woman unafraid to bend unbreakable rules should a situation demand a more humane approach. Emotionally vulnerable as I maybe, but I am a risk taker. Far from being perfect but I know I’m special.

I guess I was never a daydreamer but observed to be a romantic one. My artworks could speak well of my creativity. I’ve never been timid in using colors, sometimes I see colors flattened and other times vivid and vibrant. I always try to evoke a sense of energy and mood. Its fascinating to see when two people looking at the same image see different things. I like to see things from a different perspective.

I am a woman that has lived my love affair focused on one person for decades, spent surrounded by lies and deceptions which has led me down the road of utter ruin.

My poetry?????bitter and cruel at times. My cooking, a mixture of tastes and colors. My lyrics, cinematic and my songs melancholic. I’d like to have my own place, my own time for the sake of maintaining my emotional equilibrium and stimulate my creativity.

Am i grounded?

I know I had to take her out, spend time with her. I put aside the things we used to do because of this damn roller coaster ride again. I made a self check. Am I grounded? I would assume everyone knows what it means, but for me being grounded means something a little different to everyones perceptions and sensitivities. For me it means fully present, physically, emotionally and energetically. Apparently, for a time being I wasn’t. My mind and spirit wandering, God knows where.

So, we went to the mall (just the two of us).I saw the delight in her face as we stroll; the childish things we do at the mall, messing up the well arranged garments(I love doing this....LOL), I know it’s mean, but we love doing it, shoe shopping and we had pizza at our favorite place, pizza hut.

It wasn’t intentional that we touched the topic about the reason behind the separation. It was spontaneous, didn’t mean to spoil the moment. Then as I gazed at her lovely face, I can see that she has coped well. She has managed well, though I can still see the scars it brought her life but she can talk about it.

Reminiscing the past..(well cant help it).. Breaking up…I had this thought way back when my oldest kid was about 4yrs old but I couldn’t afford to see my 2 kids growing up without their father even though I am financially secured and independent. And I dragged myself and the children in a relationship for almost 2decades pretending to be one happy family. The break up was just one of the painful experiences I have had. It’s not only the death of my marriage but death of dreams and hopes. It destroyed almost 2 decades of invested love and caring. My experience was more painful than the loss of love through physical death which at least has finality to it and may often have been unpreventable. It has a wider devastating effect on the children. It was not a mutual break up though, but I felt not a bit of guilt feelings and little did I know that anger consumed the hearts of my children.

I suffered in silence for the sake of keeping the family intact. I didn’t even know where to begin. I had to rethink absolutely everything in my life, home, finances, my identity, my friends, relatives, my relationship with my children and my relationship with God. I had to start all over.

I thought I was prepared but when the twist came, the initial shock brought me into denial, burying my feelings of hurt, anger and grief. The pain was so great that I want to run from it. Took a while to face the reality of failed marriage and to be truly honest with how I feel about it. It took time to face the pain, to begin again in single life and come to understand what went wrong. With all losses, emotional and financial, there are many emotions, hurts depressions, anger and grief all of which need to be understood and faced and resolved.

In all these, I am so thankful I have friends whom I can share thoughts and feeling with, who were always there to listen, a vital part of the healing process I’m going through. Who never tire of listening to my stupidity and stubbornness, which comforted me while I weep and sob out of my grief.

I believe my failure is God’s wake up call to show that I need some major changes in my life. God showed me the truth of what I have contributed to the break up and why I was attracted to the person in the first place and what I can do in the future so as not to repeat the same mistakes.

Another sleepless night....part 2

Sleepless nights bring endless thoughts. As we talk, my heart plunged all the way to my feet. I admit that when you lied to me, that was the first time you hurt my feelings and probably not for the reasons you think. But I admire you for being man enough to admit. After spending months of being wrapped up in my emotions, I have wished that it would not have been that way. Had it happen differently. I wonder if you really wanted to journey with me. If you weren’t serious journeying with me and decide not to carry on eventually, because you knew that there’s no road ahead of us, then Why? Why you didn’t stop? You are a harsh, goal oriented person and perhaps, its part of your way of life........? I should have turned my back from the beginning.

Journeying is about discovery, it’s about learning things whatever they may be and growing from them. Journeying towards a possible happy ending…not certain tho but at least we could have tried.

Another sleepless night......

January 19, 2009...unexpectedly, i was talking to him again. The conversation sent me again into another sleepless night...(what else is new?) Heartbreak for the second twice...???I guess, romantic relationship is seldom what they seem. I have always wanted a relationship that is built on openness, intimacy and trust. But one morning, i woke up realizing it was full of lies and deceit. Full of paradoxes which i tried to overlook, downplay (if not totally ignore) which for a while it worked well, until one day, with a little warning i have to confront the reality that it was not exactly what they appeared to be.
I had difficult time coping with what i have learned and dealing with the person who betrayed me, nor do i had the insight into how and why deception occurred. Ignoring the paradoxes inherent in my relationship turned out to be very costly strategy and the price is high enough for the decision, unexpectedly, and all at once.

"It will be ok...."

Exhausted after hours of cleaning and trying to figure out how my belongings would fit inside the very small room of my small house, my daughter called asking me if I could make it to the school meeting. I then realized how time flies, in about 2 months from now she will be graduating and will be in secondary level. I couldn’t help but feel the pressure (again for the nth time) of facing a much bigger financial responsibility.

I must admit that I have stopped going public, but since my daughter will be graduating, I am obliged to attend the meeting. I saw old friends and as expected, the usual question…”HOW ARE YOU”, HOW HAVE YOU BEEN”, “WHATS KEEPING YOU BUSY” BLAH! BLAH! And all I could say is…”I’m ok”.

But…how am I, really?
I feel empty, betrayed and unhappy. I want to laugh, but I know it’s not going to help. And neither do I want to cry because it will just make me feel worse. I feel like my heart is falling apart, but not only that, because I know soon my life is going to feel like its falling apart too.
And close friends, even my kids, wonder why if he have hurt me so much, then how I managed to stick it out with him for a long time? Was there love at all? That’s the confusing part. I don’t know why, and the people who hurt me the most is normally the one I love the most.
And then, after a few days, I finally feel a sense of relief, like I’m getting happier again, but I know inside that I’m just going into denial. And after a few more weeks, I’m back to where I was, an empty soul and teary eyes. I thought I got over it, but really, I just stopped showing it. And I can’t help but to show it again.
I’m sure someone out there can relate but no matter what one says every broken heart is different. I am not just referring to a hurt from a marital disaster but a much bigger picture. One does not know the true pain I feel, so basically I am alone with all this. And there are times that the feeling is so overwhelming and it suddenly breaks me down because I know I have had enough and tears just instantly start flowing to a point where I don’t care who may see. Because I’ve spent so many nights lying awake in bed and so many days being haunted by the scars and fear of rejection. And in the midst of all these tears, I know that it’s not helping any and it’s not going to bring them back, if I ever had them in the first place.
After about a million tears have been cried, I finally collect myself back together and keep going. My throat starts to tighten and my eyes burn with the tears I am trying to hold back. Everyone says, “It will be ok...” but I know it won’t. And that’s the truth, it won’t. And I look back on all of the hurt I had from this and realize that people are horrible. I’ am still hurt but I’ve learned to hide it so that everyone thinks I am okay. So now every time I see these people, I still care and feel a slight tingle in my heart yearning for them to love me, screaming out, but for some reasons they don’t hear it. Then I sit back and wonder how all these mess came into being.

One Hello....

If you're not afraid
Of what love brings
Then endings are beginnings
Of beautiful things
It's a chance you'll take
It's a chance you'll win
If someone's gonna find you
First you gotta let them in

Coz love begins with one hello
The hardest part is over
Now it's easy letting go
One hello is how it starts
You might win it all or lose your heart

If you're not afraid
Of what you feel
Then try and keep it simple
Or try and keep it real
And if being real
Means you'll someday say goodbye
Remember my friend
Goodbyes not the end
It's a circle you know
And it starts with one hello

Oohh...
Love begins with one hello
The hardest part is over
Now it's easy letting go
One hello is how it starts
Remember my friend
Goodbyes not the end
It's a circle you know
And it starts, starts with one hello
It starts with one hello

....Most often the hardest part of recovering is learning to wait. The pain gets almost to be unbearable but i survived by the passing of time. Its the time that hurts more than anything else. Its the realization that this too shall pass but being stuck in the here and now, the wait seems endless.
.....Can't it move a little faster? Can't things speed up?
.....I want another phase where things are eased up and subsided...
......breath...breath..go to sleep...wake up...
......breath again...breath...go to sleep again....wake up....
.......breath....breath again...the days pass...
.......i wish there was a way to fast forward...breath...breath...
.......it will come to pass....

My life goes on....

I woke late today, i had to rush 'coz my youngest daughter will be late for school. Much as i wanted to linger with that lazy feeling, well it's a BED WEATHER, after all, i don't have much choice. So, up superwoman, cook breakfast and get her ready for school. Then after an hour, i'm alone again.....

My life goes on....in a limbo. Things are still as difficult as they were before. Friends look at me as tough, super tough but deep inside i still get periods of despair at my situation and fear for the future. I still have that mood that sweeps over me like in a roller coaster ride. Much worst (which no one knows), is the plunges into the blackness of hopelessness.

As far as i am concerned I still wonder about my future and the past is hidden away in my subconscious. Even when i do get flashbacks they are so covered in confusion that they might have been someone else's memories. I am almost totally detached from them. This masks the acute pain of bad memories but it also serves to make me realize that i have lost the good ones as well.
However, when the blackness sets in there is such a feeling of isolation that all of the advice in the world couldn't drag me back into the light. I am sure some of you feel the same way. The feeling is consuming me. It's like a black hole in space, once there, it fills my world and will not allow light to penetrate. Sometimes the emotions often cried out loud in misery at the hopelessness of my life. I have tried to look forward to what the future may hold, all the things that would be left undone if my life ended prematurely. But i have my children and the balance of good versus bad weighs heavily on the bad side. As things stand, there are no strong thoughts of self harm, though admittedly there are flickers but they are way out and soon banished by sleep or other thoughts.

Choices.........

There comes a time in every life when one has to choose between roads. Often it’s a choice between a road we already knew too well, and one that’s much narrower, less familiar, bending beyond what our eyes can see. At times it’s simply a choice between means and meaning. And the thing is, you know you must choose - lest you remain a wanderer all your life until you run out of roads. Each one’s road is different. Born pilgrim, im meant to seek that road which will lead me home.

Let not love be so hard

For that someone who couldn't be mine....



Alone in my room, I sit and wait for you
Numb and cold, never wanting to feel the pain.
My arms wrapped around me
Thinking of all the pain i had to go through.


The love i have, i hold it close
Hiding inside, anxious to be hurt again
Like i've been hurt by you.
I hide my feelings, but my eyes can't lie.

Wallowing in despair, my heart aches for you
My soul yearns for you
From a distance, i long to feel you
Touch your face and hold you in my arms
Feel your warmth and breath like one body and soul.

I dream to look into your eyes
To share the love i feel inside
Wander and soar high beyond the stars
The distance is so hard to bear
An on bended knees i ask
Let not love be so hard.

Brand new year...brand new start!

Hmmm....Let me see, what do i write here?ERRR....Actually im new to blogging and i am not really sure if i could put my thoughts and emotions well into writing.
Since i registered here, that was Jan 2nd, im on my toes again. Running around, here and there, to and fro, i couldnt find the time and finally i find the time to sit infront of my pc with an empty mind.
Its a brand new year, means a brand new start for me? I am actually in the process of getting ready to move into a new house, a small one enough to start something new but why cant i get my kids to join me in this new direction that i want to take?
It's been a while since we parted ways and all this time i wanted to move out of this city. To make us forget, at least, far from memories, far from people we know, far from things that would remind us of what we have been through but there are things that i just cant do because of too many complications, if not in total mess. It could have been a lot easier if resources would allow me.
I have been talking to my kids, since two of them are almost grown ups and i wonder if they get to digest what i'm telling them, if they are sensitive enough to feel what i am going through. Or maybe, its me. I don't feel anything anymore. Maybe i have become numb that i don't feel the response. Its been months that i was talking to my children about moving into a new place not really far from the place where we live. Its the least that i can do for now, not just to make a change but a try to make a living to sustain their needs.(A far cry from what we used to).
As a mother, i tried to understand their point and i thought of giving them a chance, that its going to be a bit (just a bit) difficult for them since its far from school, but then again, i couldn't see nor feel the support. Well, as i can remember, they were never really involved with anything i do, no matter how hard i tried. I guess i could complain for their being too complacent with things that they seem not to care. At one point, i am thankful for having them, i love them so much, they are the source of my strength.
I could just hope that i'm starting the year with the right foot forward, whether its going to be great or not, i still hold on to the hope that things would be better for all of us.